"BACKYARD 3000"
Written By
Paul Merrill
Copyright 2005 Paul Merrill
FADE in:
INT. Treehouse - DAY
CLOSE-UP of a pair of glasses. Reflected in the glasses is a TV image of two people playing ping-pong, one player in one lens, and one in the other, with the ping-pong ball bouncing back and forth between the lens. We HEAR the TV ANNOUNCER.
Tv announcer #1
What a thrilling gold medal ping-pong match here between Yugoslavania and Uruguay.
CAMERA PULLS BACK and we see DMITRI, a rotund twelve-year-old boy with glasses, watching the TV. He has a glazed-over smile on his face.
TV ANNOUNCER #1 (CONT'D)
What do you think, Bob?
TV ANNOUNCER #2
Well, Bob, these two ping-pong powerhouses are really going at it. This is shaping up to be a match for the ages!
We see a CLOSE-UP of the TV screen. The two ping-pong players diving and making spectacular shots. They fly through the air like they were in a Martial Arts film. The player from Yugoslavania finally makes an impossible, spinning, upside-down shot to end the match.
TV ANNOUNCER #1
Yugoslavania wins! Yugoslavania wins!
Dmitri leaps up in the air and pumps his fist in victory.
Dmitri
Yes! Yes!
Dmitri marches back and forth in front of the TV, waving a Yugoslavania flag.
DMITRI (CONT'D)
(chanting, like "USA, USA!")
Yu-go-slavania! Yu-go-slavania!
Behind Dmitri, sitting on the couch, we see Keisha, a large 13-year-old girl. Next to her, in a wheelchair, is Dmitri's best friend Kenny, who is twelve. He is eating popcorn while his little sister, nine-year-old Vicki, is hopping around the room, dressed in a tutu and oblivious to the TV program. Keisha throws down her Uruguay flag in disgust.
Keisha
Uruguay was robbed, man!
DMITRI
Negative, Keisha. Uruguay was simply overwhelmed by the unstoppable Ping-Pong prowess of Yugoslavania!
Vicki runs by waving one of Dmitri’s prized superhero dolls and screaming.
Vicki
I'm Super-Pooper-Man! I'm Super-Pooper-Man!
DMITRI
Ack! That is not "Super-Pooper-Man"! That is Krong The Invincible, and he not to be played with!
VICKI
Don't you like your dolly?
DMITRI
Krong The Invincible is NOT a dolly! He is a very valuable collectable figure! Kenny, please restrain your little sister.
KENNY
(still watching TV and eating popcorn)
Chill Vicki, and give Dmitri his dolly back.
DMITRI
Collectable figure!!!
Kenny
I never thought I'd see the day where I'd be watching Olympic Ping-Pong, but I gotta admit, it's pretty cool.
DMITRI
"Cool" indeed, my friend.
(gets a bit emotional)
I have never been more proud to be Yugoslavanian-American than I am right now.
KEISHA
Yeah, it must be pretty sweet to see your countrymen up there getting the gold and all, huh Dmitri? It's too bad you gotta wait another four years for the next Olympics.
DMITRI
Four years?! No one informed me of this! How am I supposed to wait four years for my next taste of Olympic Glory?
KEISHA
I don't know, "D", but I'm gonna get me a taste of that popcorn!
Keisha lunges after the bag of popcorn that Kenny is holding, but Kenny outmaneuvers her and speeds off in his wheelchair. Keisha chases Kenny in circles around the couch.
KEISHA (CONT'D)
Gimmie some of that!
Kenny
No way!
Vicki joins in the chase. As the three of them run laps around the couch behind him, Dmitri stares off into space, pondering the four years he must endure before witnessing another Olympics.
DMITRI
(to himself)
Four years? I cannot wait four years for my next Olympic Ping-Pong encounter!
Keisha, winded, gives up the chase.
Keisha
Dag, Kenny, you're too fast man. I give up. I'll make like James Brown and get my OWN bag, yo.
Keisha walks over to a microwave oven and pulls out an unpopped bag of popcorn. She sticks it in the microwave.
KEISHA (CONT'D)
Twenty seconds and you will be all MINE!
CLOSE-UP of Keisha's fingers punching the numbers on the microwave.
CLOSE-UP of Dmitri's eyes darting over in the direction of the microwave.
MEDIUM SHOT of Keisha in front of Microwave.
KEISHA (CONT'D)
My moms was all like "When I was a girl, it used to take us ten minutes to pop popcorn over the stove." There's no WAY I could wait that long!
We see Dmitri's face, floating, with images of clocks, microwaves, Keisha, and ping-pong balls swirling around him, as if he's having a hallucination in some old movie. We HEAR Keisha's voice, echoing.
KEISHA (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Microwave... Twenty seconds... ping-pong... Four years...
Dmitri snaps out of it.
DMITRI
(to himself)
The microwave! Of course!
Dmitri stands up a makes a dramatic statement to the gang.
DMITRI (CONT'D)
I will not longer be bound by the petty laws of time and space! If Kiesha can have her popcorn in twenty seconds, then I too shall have my Ping-Pong!
(evil laugh)
Woooo-ha-ha-ha-ha!
FaDE TO:
Two hours later
We see Dmitri working on an unseen machine. He is wearing a wielding mask with the visor up. Kenny is handing him tools while Keisha leans over and watches. In the background, Vicki is bouncing on the couch.
KeISHA
(to Dmitri)
So, you're gonna do WHAT now?!
DMITRI
(to Kenny)
Crescent wrench.
Kenny hands Dmitri a crescent wrench. Dmitri uses the wrench.
DMITRI (CONT'D)
(to Keisha)
I am adjusting the internal parameters of this microwave transmitter to harness light rays emanating from the future.
(to Kenny)
Blowtorch.
Kenny gives Dmitri a small blowtorch. Dmitri flips down the visor on his wielding mask and uses the blowtorch. Keisha stares blankly for a moment.
KEISHA
Does that mean we'll get the pay channels?
DMITRI
Pay channels? Ha! We shall get pay channels...
Dmitri turns dramatically to Keisha as CAMERA ZOOMS IN to CLOSE-UP of Dmitri's crazed face.
DMITRI (CONT'D)
...from the FUTURE!!! Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!!!!
Vicki finally stops bouncing on the bed and runs over to see what's going on, as Dmitri turns to Kenny.
DmITRI (CONT'D)
(to Kenny)
Hammer.
Kenny takes the blowtorch and gives Dmitri a hammer. Dmitri gives the machine a few good whacks.
DMITRI (CONT'D)
(to Kenny)
Tuna-fish sandwich.
Kenny feeds Dmitri a tuna-fish sandwich. There is an awkward pause as everyone waits for Dmitri to finish eating the sandwich. When he's finally done eating, he leaps behind the machine he's been working, and spins it around so everyone can see.
DMITRI (CONT'D)
(to everyone)
Behold, the future of sports broadcasting! I give to you... The Future-tron 3000!
We see an old TV with a VCR and a microwave oven duct-taped to the top.
KEISHA
(deadpan)
Great. So now we can heat up leftovers with our TV?
DMITRI
Yes! I mean, no, you silly person! With this amazing device we can watch TV programs from the future! Observe!
Dmitri starts punching buttons on the VCR and microwave.
DMITRI (CONT'D)
We just set the VCR to record four years from now, set the microwave to high, and...
The machines start to hum, shake, and whir. Sparks fly as Dmitri turns on the TV.
DMITRI (CONT'D)
Eurekea! Feast your eyes on the future!
The TV starts to glow, then the picture tube explodes. Everyone screams and scrambles out of the treehouse.
KeISHA
I didn't do it!