MEAT
“Pilot”
Written by
Paul Merrill
Copyright 2005 Paul Merrill
ACT ONE
Fade in:
INT. mortimer's apartment - moRNING - closet
A cow-shaped alarm clock strikes six and moos loudly. MORTIMER, an energetic, childlike man, sits straight up and shuts off the alarm clock. He is eager to start the day. As he stands up, he gets caught in the clothes hanging in his makeshift bedroom.
Outside CLOSET
Mortimer stumbles out of the closet, covered with clothes and hangers. He shakes them off casually and walks into the living room.
Living room
We see RAHIM, Mortimer's roommate. He sits about a foot in front of the TV, playing a video game.
Mortimer
Hey Rahim.
Rahim ignores him. Mortimer walks into the kitchen.
Kitchen
Mortimer grabs bacon, ham, and sausages from the fridge and tosses them onto a hot skillet.
MORTIMER
So, Rahim. I don't mean to be a jerk or anything, but this sleeping in the closet thing, it's really starting to bother my back. I was just thinking maybe, since I'm paying the rent and everything, maybe I could have the bedroom. I mean, it's not like you ever sleep, right?
No answer.
MoRTIMER (CONT'D)
It's really no big deal. We can talk about it later or something.
Mortimer drains the grease from the skillet into a coffee mug.
MORTIMER (CONT'D)
Anyway, maybe you could just think about it.
Mortimer takes a big swig from the mug.
CUT TO:
EXT. ace meat company - DAY
Establishing Shot
INT. ACE MEAT COMPANY - break room
Mortimer and FRANCIS enter, dressed in bloodied overalls.
Francis
Mortimer, if you say one more word...
MORTIMER
I don't understand...
They both sit at a table by a window.
FRANCIS
Mortimer! This is a job. A job, O.K.? You come in, you get dirty, they pay you a few bucks, then you go spend it on booze. That's all this is. I don't want to hear about your new ideas to improve meat processing, or about the pleasure you take in wrapping a T-Bone in cellophane, or how important you think this company is in maintaining our place on the freakin' food chain! I hate this dump! I don't want to think about it. I don't want to talk about it. The whole time I'm here, I'm closing my eyes and pretending I'm in a happy place.
MORTIMER
Well, you see? That's how we differ, Francis. This is my "Happy Place".
FRANCIS
Mortimer, I have to kill you now.
Francis is about to strangle Mortimer as ADAM ONE and ADAM TWO walk in. Adam One is a big dumb lug who wears a "No Beer, No Work" hat. Adam Two is a short dumb lug who wears a "No Work, No Beer" hat. Both are dressed in bloodied overalls like Mortimer and Francis. Adam One has a large bloody bandage on his right hand. They are both giggling like ninnies.
MORTIMER
Holey Moley! What happened to your hand, Adam One?
Adam two
He lost a finger in the weenie machine! Huh-huh-huh!
FRANCIS
Again?
Adam one
I was hungry.
ADAM TWO
Doc sewed it back on, but he said this was the last time. Huh-huh-huh.
ADAM ONE
You'd better shut up, Adam Two, or I'm gonna pound you man.
A screechy sound comes from the overhead PA Speaker, then, a VOICE.
PA SPEAKER
VOICE
Attention: Will Employee Number 5-378 report to the Manager's Office? Employee Number 5-378, to the Manager's Office. That is all.
Everyone except Mortimer starts fumbling with their employee badges, trying to find out their employee number.
MORTIMER
Oh my God.
CuT TO:
Hallway
Mortimer is walking quickly down the hallway, towards the Manager's Office.
MORTIMER
Please don't fire me. Please don't fire me...
He reaches the door to the Manager's Office.
manager's office
Mortimer enters the office timidly. We see an empty office, except for a PA Speaker hanging from the ceiling.
Voice
Employee Number 5-378?
MORTIMER
Yes, sir.
VOICE
Employee Number 5-378, you have been chosen Ace Meat's Employee of the Month.
MORTIMER
Whoa! Wow. Thanks!
VOICE
Here is your photo, to be hung on the hall of fame...
A small door opens in the ceiling, and a framed 8"x10" of Mortimer drops out and lands on the floor.
MORTIMER
Gee whiz, that's great.
VOICE
...and here is your complimentary ham.
A ten pound ham falls from the ceiling, smashing the framed photo on impact.
MORTIMER
I love ham! Thanks!
VOICE
That is all.
Mortimer picks up his ham and the shattered bits of his picture.
MORTIMER
Wow. This is so great. Thank you so much.
WALL of fame
Mortimer has duct-taped the photo frame back together and is hanging it on the Wall of Fame.
MORTIMER
Oh man! Wait until Rahim hears about this!
Mortimer stands back to admire his photo. He smiles, and walks off down the hallway. As he leaves, we see that the last 56 employees of the month have all been Mortimer.
Int. Mortimer's apartment - nIGHT
Mortimer is telling Rahim about his wondrous day. Rahim is playing an ultra-violent video game and ignoring Mortimer.
MoRTIMER
...and then he says "That is all." Like, all official like. "That is all." It was awesome, man. You should've been there.
(pause)
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean like "You should've been there at work". I mean, I know you can't work because of your carpal-tunnel syndrome. I can't believe you can even play video games like that with your condition.
(pause)
Oh crap. I'm sorry. "Your condition"! I'm such a jerk. I didn't mean to like, stigmatize you or anything. I don't know what is coming out of my mouth sometimes.
(pause)
So, did you get a chance to think about the sleeping arrangement here? I mean, since you don't ever really sleep, I thought maybe I could use the bed? Just at nights, of course. I wouldn't even ask, except the closet has been really harsh on my back.
Rahim doesn't acknowledge Mortimer's existence. They sit in silence for a few awkward moments.
MORTIMER (CONT'D)
It's cool. I can tell you have a lot on your mind. I'll just stay in the closet for now.
(pause)
Ha! "Stay in the closet"! Ha! Get it? Like I was gay or something. But I'm not.
int. ACE MEAT COMPANY - break room - the next morning
Mortimer and Francis are walking towards Adam One and Adam Two at their usual table. Mortimer is holding his back.
FRANCIS
Yeah, my wife makes me sleep on the couch sometimes too, on account of the snoring.
MORTIMER
He's not my wife, Francis, he's my roommate.
They sit.
FRANCIS
Whatever.
adAM TWO
Girl problems?
FRANCIS
You got that right.
MORTIMER
No! Look, we're just friends.
FRANCIS
Heh-heh-heh.
MORTIMER
I mean, he's not even a girl!
Adam tWO
Hey, I heard about those. They're like, uh, transistors.
FRANCIS
Transvestites.
ADAM ONE
Whoa! Mortimer's a homo!
FrANCIS
You shut your Goddamned mouth! Mortimer's our friend and we support him, unconditionally. You got that fatso?
MoRTIMER
Can I...?
ADAM ONE
I didn't mean nuthin' Francis!
ADAM TWO
Yeah! He didn't mean nuthin'! He's practically retarded!
ADAM ONE
Yeah!
(pause)
Hey...
MoRTIMER
Will you let me talk?
ADAM TWO
We support you unconditionally Mortimer. Like he said.
MORTIMER
Shut up! I mean, thanks, but it's not like that. Rahim is just my roommate. That's all.
FraNCIS
Mortimer, you pay the guy's rent.
MORTIMER
He can't work. He's got that Carpal Tunnel Syndrome deal.
FRANCIS
He sleeps in your bed.
MORTIMER
I like sleeping in the closet! It's only temporary.
FRANCIS
And you never even talk about girls.
MORTIMER
You know I don't have time for that. My career comes first.
AdAM ONE
Huh-huh. Career.
Adam TWO
Yeah.
FRANCIS
You see, that's your problem right there. You spend all your time thinking about this slop-hole.
ADAM TWO
You should get a hobby.
Adam one
Yeah. Hobby.
adam TWO
Everybody needs a hobby. Me and Adam have our band, Francis has his drinking...
Francis nods approvingly.
MORTIMER
You guys don't get it, do you? This is more than just a job to me. We're the backbone of the world's meat supply for God's sake! Sure I'm just a cog in a huge, magnificent meat-making machine, but I'd like to think my cog is the shiniest and best cog in the history of cogs!
FRANCIS
Where's my gun?
Suddenly, there is a ruckus near the window. A WORKER shouts ...
Worker
Hey! Look outside!
Everyone huddles around the windows.
ADAM ONE
Is it snowing? Is it snowing?
FRANCIS
It's July, you stupid jerk.
ADAM TWO
No! It's a girl!
CLOSE SHOT - MORTIMER
We see Mortimer slowly turn towards the window, and then, his face lights up as if he's just gazed into the Ark of the Covenant.
MORTIMER'S POV - BEATRICE
Through the window, we see what Mortimer sees: BEATRICE. An aging punk, she stands alone outside the plant, holding a sign that reads "Meat is Murder".
FRANCIS
That ain't no girl. That's a Goddamned vegetarian.
Mortimer hears none of this. He has found his soulmate.
DISSOLVE TO:
Montage
A) Mortimer and Beatrice run through a field of white lilies.
B) Mortimer and Beatrice have a picnic. They feed each other barbecued ribs.
C) Mortimer gives Beatrice a tour of the factory.
D) Mortimer lets Beatrice use the meat-cutting machine. Blood splatters Beatrice's face. They both laugh.
BACK TO SCENE
Mortimer is in a happy place.
CuT TO:
InT. ACE MEAT COMPANY - break room - THE NEXT DAY
Mortimer is sitting alone at a table, drawing on a stained piece of butcher paper. Francis approaches.
FRANCIS
(to Mortimer)
Whatcha' doin'?
MORTIMER
Oh, uh, nothing.
FRANCIS
C'mon, lemme see.
MORTIMER
It's really bad.
FRANCIS
Awww...
MORTIMER
No, I mean, really bad.
FRANCIS
Give.
(grabs drawing)
Francis' pov - drawing
We SEE that it's a "Betty Page" type pin-up sketch of a buxom Beatrice, wearing only an apron, cooking a big slab of meat on a barbecue. CUE stripper music.
FRANCIS
Good gravy! Check out the bazoombas on that broad!
(pause)
Holy crap! It's that protester chick from yesterday!
MORTIMER
I love her, Francis.
FRANCIS
(sits)
Aw Jeez. Mort...
MORTIMER
I love her, and we're going to have children together.
FRANCIS
Oh you poor, crazy kid.
MORTIMER
Two boys and a girl. And a dog.
FRANCIS
Mortimer, do you know what a vegetarian is?
MORTIMER
Of course. They take care of the sick animals.
FRANCIS
No. A VEG-etarian. Huh-boy.
(sighs)
O.K., you know meat? The stuff we make here? The stuff your whole damn "magnificent cog" life revolves around? Well, this may come as a shock to you, but vegetarians hate meat.
MORTIMER
That's ridiculous. Why would anyone hate meat?
FRANCIS
I don't know. I think it's some kind of mental defect. Anyhow, this girl you saw yesterday is one of these vegetarians.
Mortimer stands up, his face full of anguish and outrage.
MORTIMER
You, you dirty liar! You take that back!
FRANCIS
Whoa sport. Easy does it.
MORTIMER
No, you... easy... does it! I'm not exactly sure what one of these,
these Veg-a-librarians is, but I'm not going to stand here and let you slander the name of my future wife and mother of my children!
Mortimer grabs his drawing from Francis and storms out. Everyone else in the break room stares at Francis.
FRANCIS
(to everyone)
They just switched his medication.
A screech is HEARD from the overhead speaker. Then, a voice ...
VOICE
Attention lackeys. It has come to our attention that our company is being threatened, at this very moment, by domestic terrorists.
Everyone (except for Francis) begins to stir.
VOICE (CONT'D)
If you are a freedom loving American, and if you value your employment here at Ace Meats, you will do everything in your power to fight these evil-doers.
A slight murmur from the crowd.
VOICE (CONT'D)
Did I mention the free ham?
The crowd roars with delight and charges off to battle the "terrorists". Francis sits by himself.
ExT. ACE MEAT COMPANY - front lawn
We see Beatrice, alone, waging her own one-woman protest. She marches back and forth, holding a "Meat is Gross" sign. She sings a protest song ...
Beatrice
Get up, stand up. Stand up for your rights. Do you remember the days of slavery...?
Suddenly, an angry mob of WORKERS appear. They have several barrels of meat by-products.
WoRKER #1
(pointing at Beatrice)
There's the terrorist!
Worker #2
Get him!
The workers start reaching into the barrels and pulling out the wretched contents. The first barrel is marked "Stomach Linings", the second "Snouts", the third "Other".
BeATRICE
Terrorist? Who, me?!
The workers begin hurling the meat refuse at Beatrice. She tries to dodge them, but is soon overcome by the rain of bloody animal parts. Just then, the CAMERA PANS BACK to reveal two sportscasters, DICK and FRANCO, sitting behind a desk on the front lawn. Both men are wearing suits. Franco is wearing a football helmet.
Sports desk
DICK
Welcome to the "Meat" halftime show. I'm Dick Chompley, joined as always by football great Franco Hamilton.
(turning to Franco)
What did you make of that first half, Franco?
Franco
Well Dick, I thought the home team came out there with a real solid game plan, and executed it to perfection. Their timing was pretty good, they used good fundamental slapstick, and I think putting a complete moron in the starring role was a bold move by the coach.
DICK
Yes, how would you rate Mortimer's performance so far?
FRANCO
Well Dick, I feel like Mortimer came out real fired up for this one. He had his game face on, and gave 110 percent out there on the field.
DICK
So, you think he's got a chance to win the girl in the second half?
FRANCO
No way in hell, Dick.
DICK
(turning back to camera)
You heard it here first: "No way in hell". Let's head back to the field for what we hope will be a violent second half.
Back to scene
Beatrice is still being pummeled with entrails. The troops, however, are running dangerously low on ammo.
WORKER #1
Hey! We're almost out of ammo!
The workers look around for something to throw. Worker #1 sees Adam One eating a hot dog. The worker snatches the weenie from him. Adam One starts crying.
WORKER #1 (CONT'D)
Terrorize this!
The worker throws the weenie at Beatrice. The CAMERA FOLLOWS the weenie sailing through the air. Beatrice whirls around in SLOW MOTION, her agape mouth serving as target for the heat-seeking hot dog. Just then, a HAND ENTERS FRAME and snags the weenie in mid-air. CAMERA PULLS BACK to reveal Mortimer holding the weenie. He turns to the crowd, and crushes the weenie in his fist, Bruce Lee style.
MORTIMER
(to crowd)
Is that any way to treat a lady?
Mortimer turns to Beatrice, all sly-like. Beatrice kicks Mortimer in the groin. Hard.
CuT TO:
Sports dESK
DICK
Whoa Nellie! That's gotta hurt. Let's see that again, Franco.
CuT TO:
Instant replay
We see a slow-motion instant replay of Beatrice (now in a football uniform and helmet) kicking a field goal, with Mort's testicles serving as the "ball".
FraNCO
As you can see, she really stepped into this one, driving it right through the uprights.
DICK
And it's good!
FRANCO
Not for him. Ha-ha-ha!
Franco and Dick share a long, uncomfortable laugh.
DICK
(to Franco)
God, I love you.
Back to SCENE
CLOSE-UP of Mortimer on ground, dazed, with eyes glazed over.
FADE OUT:
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
INT. MORTIMER'S APARTMENT - EVENING
Mortimer is sitting in a chair, holding an ice pack on his groin. Rahim is sitting on the floor in front of the TV, playing a video game.
MORTIMER
Why does love have to hurt so much, Rahim? I mean, I always though that when you found the right person, it'd be like fireworks and stuff, you know? We'd both instantly know we were soul-mates and we'd jump into our solid-gold car and drive off to paradise with tin-cans tied to the back. Instead, she kicks me in the groin. Have you ever been kicked in the groin, Rahim? It hurts. A lot. Why would she do that? Why would she hurt the man she loves? Is it all part of this strange game called "love"? I'll be the first to admit that I'm not an expert on girls, but a kick to the groin seems a bit extreme. They say "communication" is the key to a successful marriage. Maybe I'm not communicating my feelings.
Mortimer grabs a piece of paper and a pen and begins to write.
MORTIMER (CONT'D)
"Dear... beautiful girl. Hello..."
He scratches his head, then continues.
MORTIMER (CONT'D)
"How are you?"
He sits for a moment, proud of his clever writing. Then he continues.
MORTIMER (CONT'D)
"My name is Mortimer. I would like to have a marriage with you. Could we have lunch together? O.K. Bye. Love, Mortimer."
He is beaming now. He admires his handiwork.
MORTIMER (CONT'D)
Oh man! I am so smooth.
CUT TO:
EXT. ACE MEAT COMPANY - THE NEXT DAY
Beatrice is on the front lawn protesting again. Mortimer is standing a few inches from her. She pretends he is not there. He hands her his letter. After a moment, she takes it and reads it. Then she kicks him in the groin again. This time, however, it's Beatrice who falls to the ground in pain, holding her foot.
MORTIMER
You know, I had a feeling you might do that.
He pulls a frying pan out of the front of his pants and tosses it aside.
MORTIMER (CONT'D)
What's with all this hostility? Is it because of the love?
Beatrice bites Mortimer's ankle viciously. He crumples to the ground.
MORTIMER (CONT'D)
Jesus! I thought you were a vegetarian!
BEATRICE
Piss off, butcher!
MORTIMER
Whoa! Hold on! Butchers work at the supermarket.
(proudly)
I'm an Assistant Meat-Handler.
BEATRICE
You're a murderer!
(points at him)
Murderer! Murderer!
MORTIMER
No, it's "meat-handler". "Assistant Meat Handler" actually, but it's only a matter of time until that promotion comes along.
BEATRICE
You kill cows in that factory!
MORTIMER
You see? This is all just a big, silly, misunderstanding. We don't kill any cows here! That's done in the slaughterhouse in Bakersfield. We just cut up the meat and package it.
Beatrice grabs the frying pan and nails Mortimer on the head with it.
Cut TO:
InT. ACE MEAT COMPANY - BREAK ROOM
Mortimer is sitting at a table, surrounded by Francis, Adam One and Adam Two. Mortimer is holding a cold steak on his badly bruised face.
ADAM TWO
Women.
ADAM ONE
Yeah. Women.
MORTIMER
She called me a murderer.
FRANCIS
Ah, she's nuts.
ADAM ONE
Yeah. Nuts.
mORTIMER
I mean, we don't really murder cows, right?
No answer.
mORTIMER (CONT'D)
Francis, you said that cows liked to be eaten. That it gave them a purpose in life.
The two Adams bust out laughing, but Francis' steely glare shuts them up.
FRANCIS
Well, Mortimer... look, this broad is off her rocker.
(awkward pause)
She's a terrorist!
ADAM ONE
Yeah! Terrorist!
Francis stares daggers into Adam One's face.
MORTIMER
First she's a vegetarian, now she's a terrorist. I don't know what to believe anymore.
CUT TO:
InT. ACE MEAT COMPANY - MANAGER'S OFFICE
Mortimer is sitting in a chair, talking to the speaker again.
MORTIMER
So that's why I'm here. I figured if anyone knew how to handle "girl-problems", it'd be you.
There is a pause, then a ham drops from the ceiling.
MORTIMER (CONT'D)
(quietly disappointed)
A ham. That's great. Great.
CuT TO:
EXT. ACE MEAT COMPANY - FRONT LAWN
Mortimer is sitting at the Sports desk with Dick and Franco.
MORTIMER
So I figured if anyone knew how to handle "girl-problems", it'd be you guys.
Dick and Franco look at each other awkwardly. They all squirm in painful silence.
CUT TO:
INT. MORTIMER'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Mortimer talks while Rahim plays a video game.
MORTIMER
So I figured if anyone knew...
Mortimer stops and thinks about what he's saying. He bows his head in defeat and heads to his closet.
Closet
Mortimer lies in his cramped closet/bedroom, looking at the his well-worn drawing of Beatrice. He sticks it to the wall, alongside dozens of other similar drawings of Beatrice, and stares at it as his mind wanders.
DISSOLVE TO:
Flashback
Mortimer remembers a very special talk his FATHER had with him long ago. We see Mortimer's POV as his Dad hands him a condom.
FATHER
Take this, my son. Use it when you find that special lady.
Back to SCENE
Mortimer digs the 20-year-old unused condom out of his wallet and stares at it.
CUT TO:
EXT. ACE MEAT COMPANY - FRONT LAWN
Mortimer hands the condom to Beatrice. He smiles. She looks like she's going to rip his spine out.
CUT TO:
eXT. HOSTPITAL - LATER
We HEAR a siren as an ambulance pulls up to the curb of the Emergency Entrance.
Int. HOSTPITAL - room
Mortimer is lying in bed. Both his arms are suspended in casts. He has a neck brace and looks awful. Beatrice walks into the room. Mortimer is overcome with fear and tries in vain to escape.
BEATRICE
It's O.K., I'm not going to hurt you.
Mortimer lets his guard down a bit.
MORTIMER
Oh. Sorry. It's sort of a reflex action now.
BEATRICE
Yeah, intense physical trauma can do that.
MORTIMER
Yeah.
BEATRICE
So, I just came by to say how sorry I am.
MORTIMER
Really?!
BEATRICE
Well, yeah! Do you think I enjoyed beating you to a pulp?
(pause)
Well I didn't! My whole life has been committed to non-violence and being kind to animals, but something about you just made me want to kill you.
MORTIMER
I get that a lot from people.
BEATRICE
You just caught me off guard, I guess. I'm a neo-leftist, feminist-socialist. I'm not used to people being nice to me.
Mortimer nods knowingly.
BEATRICE (CONT'D)
So, anyway, maybe we could just start all over again, without all the violence. Uh, what's your name again?
MORTIMER
Mortimer.
BEATRICE
Mortimer. Nice to meet you. I'm Beatrice.
Beatrice shakes Mortimer's injured hand, causing intense pain.
MORTIMER
Yaaaaa!
BEATRICE
Oh God! I am so sorry!
MORTIMER
Ah, ah, it's O.K., ah...
BEATRICE
I didn't mean it this time, honest! Heh-heh-heh.
MORTIMER
Heh-heh. Yeah.
BEATRICE
So Mortimer, will you let me make it up to you?
MORTIMER
Marry me.
BEATRICE
Ummmm, no.
MORTIMER
Be my "steady".
BEATRICE
I was thinking more like a cup of coffee.
MORTIMER
Really?! You'd buy me a cup of coffee? Holy crap!
BEATRICE
Calm down. It's just a cup of coffee. That's it.
MORTIMER
You've made me the happiest man on earth, Beatrice.
BEATRICE
Yeah. Great. So when are they gonna let you out of this place?
MORTIMER
Six weeks.
The door opens. Francis, Adam One and Adam Two walk in. Francis is holding a large sack.
FRANCIS
Hey there kid... Holy crap! It's the terrorist!
AdaM TWO
Get him!
The gang starts to rush Beatrice.
MORTIMER
Knock it off you guys! Everything's fine now.
BeATRICE
It's O.K. Mortimer. I was just leaving.
Beatrice walks towards the door. The gang stands in stunned silence.
BEATRICE (CONT'D)
See you in six weeks.
MORTIMER
Yeah. Six weeks.
Beatrice leaves. After a moment, Francis speaks.
FRANCIS
What in the hell was that all about?
MORTIMER
Just a little something called a date.
FRANCIS
A date? With the terrorist?
MORTIMER
She's not a terrorist. She's a Beatrice.
FRANCIS
A Beatrice who tried to disembowel you three times this week.
MORTIMER
We've all got issues, Francis.
ADAM TWO
Yeah, Francis. Like that transistor you used to date.
FRANCIS
Transvestite... You shut your pie hole!
(to Mortimer)
Anyways, how are they treating you here, Mort?
MORTIMER
Great! They have me hooked up to this thing where I don't even have to get up to pee.
AdAM TWO
Awesome.