"KILL EVERYBODY!"
Written By
Paul Merrill
FADE IN:
Ext. Beach - day
It is a sunny day on a small, generic beach. We see some clean-cut, idiot teenagers playing volleyball. CAMERA PANS to a path leading to the woods. We see two bloodshot eyes peeking through the leaves.
Med. Shot - three hillbillies
are huddled in the bushes, whispering. JUNIOR, the youngest of the bunch, is spying on the teenagers through the leaves. Behind him are PAPPY, who is middle-aged, and GRANPAPPY, who is wearing a confederate uniform, cradling a big jug of moonshine, and appears to be a hundred years old.
Junior
Them college kids again.
Pappy
Pretty cute, ain't they?
JUNIOR
Oh yeah...
Granpappy
Kinda skinny fer my tastes.
PAPPY
They got some nerve coming on our property...
JUNIOR
Some nerve...
PAPPY
Messing up our nice beach...
GRANPAPPY
Messing up the eco-system!
PAPPY
Somebody oughta teach 'em pretty college kids a lesson.
JUNIOR
Teach 'em real good.
GRANPAPPY
Teach 'em about the ecology!
We HEAR a VIKING HORN. Suddenly, a horde of Vikings trample the hillbillies and rush toward the teenagers.
Med. Shot - two teenagers
A teen boy is talking to a teen girl as they watch the volleyball match.
Teen boy
I agree, Mandy. I feel that Godard was speaking about the absurdity of life, and existentialism as a vehicle for modern...
A rampaging Viking lops off Teen Boy's head. CAMERA FOLLOWS the head as it flies into the volleyball match. Mistaking it for the ball, one of the players sets it in the air and another player spikes it over the net. They high-five, and are immediately chopped to bits by the marauding Vikings. The Vikings set fire to the volleyball net and carry off a few of the girls.
Int. Secret government headquarters - DAY
Several men are huddled around a table. The GENERAL is dressed in full miliary regalia. The SCIENTIST wears a white lab coat. MR. PRESIDENT is dressed for fly-fishing.
Mr. president
Another Viking attack? Damn it all, General, you told me this was taken care of!
THE GENERAL
We thought it was, Mr. President.
MR. PRESIDENT
Thought? THOUGHT?! Your "thoughts" aren't helping my fly-fishing right now, General.
Mr. President casts an imaginary fly.
THE GENERAL
Er, yes Mr. President.
MR. PRESIDENT
Steelhead trout as big as your mother.
THE GENERAL
Amazing, sir.
Just then, some NUMBSKULL barges in.
Numbskull
Sirs! The witnesses are ready for questioning.
MR. PRESIDENT
Excellent. Send them in.
The three hillbillies from the woods are led in.
Mr. PRESIDENT (CONT'D)
Gentlemen, please sit down.
PAPPY
We don't cotton to yer fancy city chairs!
JUNIOR
Don't cotton!
GRANPAPPY
They look nice to me.
The GENERAL
Sit, stand on your head, do whatever the hell you want! Just tell us everything you know about those goddamned Vikings!
PAPPY
They ran us over! Like we wasn't even there!
JUNIOR
Like we was invisibles!
GRANPAPPY
They weren't so bad.
scientist
I wonder why the Vikings slaughtered the teenagers but left these hillbillies unharmed?
ThE GENERAL
Aw, who gives a rat's ass? Let's blow something up!
Ext. Drive-in burger joint
Waitresses on roller-skates are serving burgers to teenagers. It looks like "Happy Days". We see the same teenager that was talking about Godard from before, only this time he has a big bandage around his neck. He's blabbering to a girl again.
TEEN BOY
Well, clearly the toilet in "Ghoulies" represented a gateway to spiritual enlightenment...
We HEAR the VIKING HORN again. Once again, a Viking lops off Teen Boy's head. This time, the head crashes through the window of the burger joint and lands on the hot griddle. The cook calmly scoops up the head with his spatula and plops it on a bun.
Int. Secret government headquarters - DAY
The men are still debating.
Mr. PRESIDENT
Gentlemen, please. It appears we're getting nowhere here and we're running out of valuable fishing time. There's only one thing left to do: we must consult The Great One.
THE GENERAL
The Great One?
SCIENTIST
Mr. President, are you sure this is wise?
Mr. PRESIDENT
Wise? Of course not, Scientist. But he's our only chance. It was The Great One who defeated The Vikings the last time they plagued us. Perhaps he can help us again.
Mr. President hits a hidden switch on his fishing vest. A large glass canister rises up from the middle of the desk. Floating inside the glass canister is the disembodied head of Abe Lincoln.
The GENERAL
Good Gravy! Is that Abe Lincoln?!
SCIENTIST
Of course it is, dumb-ass. In 1865, he single-handidly defeated an entire Viking Army. Except for the one that cut off his head.
Mr. President stoops low to talk to Lincoln's head.
Mr. PRESIDENT
Good afternoon, Mr. President! It's me: Mr. President! Heh-heh-heh. Sorry to bother you like this, but it's those darned Viking again.
Lincoln
Vikings? I thought The General took care of them!
The GENERAL
Jesus! You guys never quit, do you? I have feelings, you know?
sCIENTIST
Awww, they're just bustin' your balls, General. Now pipe down and let the Great One speak.
MR. PRESIDENT
Yes, Great One, please tell us how to defeat the villainous Vikings!
LINCOLN
Christ! Do I have to do everything for you people?
SCIENTIST
Please! They've raped one half of the country and are starting to pillage the other! We're running out of time!
LINCOLN
Well, it's quite simple actually. All you have to do is...
Suddenly, Granpappy leaps on the jar holding Lincoln's head. He lifts it high over his head and smashes it on the ground. He then runs towards the window.
GRANPAPPY
Sic semper tyrannis!
Granpappy leaps through the window, smashing the glass and frame.
SCIENTIST
I guess the confederate uniform should've been a giveaway.
MR. PRESIDENT
That damn old fool! Now I'll never get to go fly-fishing!
THE GENERAL
Sir! Look! He's still alive...sort of...
The bloodied Lincoln head is lying in shards of glass, mumbling. Mr. President leans down and cradles the head in his arms.
MR. PRESIDENT
It's all right, old timer. You've done enough for your country.
Mr. President pulls a pistol out of his jacket and holds it up to Lincoln's head.
MR. PRESIDENT (CONT'D)
I'm not going to let you suffer anymore. You're going home, soldier.
(start singing)
"Amazing Grace...How sweet..."
ScIENTIST
Listen, he's trying to say something!
LINCOLN
To stop... the Vikings... you...just...need...to..
We HEAR a GUNSHOT. We see an embarrassed Mr. President covered in blood.
MR. PRESIDENT
Sorry about that. Those gun things are slippery. O.K., so on to Plan Two.
ScIENTIST
The Robot?
The General pumps his fist in the air.
THE GENERAL
Yes! This is going to be sooooo awesome!
EXT. Beach - DAY
We see the three hillbillies dressed as teenagers having a beach party. They are discussing their plans with The General and The Scientist. Granpappy is there with a cast on his leg, working on his moonshine still.
SCIENTIST
(to Granppappy)
What the hell is this?
GRANPAPPY
Can't have a party without Granpappy's Moonshine! Hyuk-hyuk-hyuk!
SCIENTIST
Teenagers don't drink moonshine! It's supposed to be a kegger! What are you...retarded?
GRANPAPPY
Little bit, yeah!
THE GENERAL
O.K., so here's the deal. The hillbillies will pretend to be teenagers to lure the Vikings here. When they show up, we will attack with out secret robot.
SCIENTIST
We already went over all of this at headquarters. Why are you telling us again?
THE GENERAL
It's called expository dialogue, jackass! Jesus! Am I the only one here who took a screenwriting class?
SCIENTIST
Places everyone! The President wants this wrapped up by oh-seven-hundred, so he can resume his vacation.
The hillbillies put on some party music and attempt to play volleyball. Granpappy drinks his moonshine. It appears to be the lamest party of all time. The General and The Scientist are hiding in the bushes.
SCIENTIST (CONT'D)
This is the worst party ever.
We HEAR the VIKING HORN. The Vikings storm the beach, and run right past the hillbillies toward the moonshine. They drink it by the barrel.
GRANPAPPY
That's right, boys! Drink up! This is the most awesome party ever!
After drinking the moonshine, however, the Vikings begin to reel. The Moonshine causes them to go blind, bleed from the eyes, vomit, and eventually keel over dead.
GRANPAPPY (CONT'D)
Pussies.
The General and The Scientist pop out of the bushes as Mr. President shows up.
MR. PRESIDENT
For saving my fishing trip, I hereby pardon you for killing Lincoln's head. Well done, Granpappy!
GRANPAPPY
Can't have a party without Granpappy's Moonshine! Hyuk-hyuk-hyuk!
Everyone laughs, except the General.
THE GENERAL
Yeah, but we didn't even get to use the robot!
A big clunky robot steps out of the bushes, drinks a big vat of moonshine, and keels over dead.
GRANPAPPY
Can't have a party without Granpappy's Moon...
ScIENTIST
You already said that.
GRANPAPPY
Oh.
THE END